I want his family dead, his house burnt to the ground

“What?!
They got the whole shipment.

l want that son-of-a-bitch dead!
We're trying to locate...

What am l, alone in this world? 
Did l ask you what you're tryin' to do? 
l want you to get this %$#@ where he
breathes! l want Eliot Ness dead!
l want his family dead,
his house burnt to the ground!”

Robert DeNiro, as Al Capone in The Untouchables, upon being told that Eliot Ness captured a large shipment of liquor.

Now this blog is supposed to be about horticultural therapy and about the soothing effects of working with plants. And as I attempt to become a less pushy, Type A person and more of a gardening Zen master, I have been reasonably successful (I think) in letting most things just roll off my back like water off a duck. Aphids on the roses; a little horticultural spray. Birds starting to eat the berries; net them. Weeds back in a patch; bend down and pull them. It’s all fine and part of the gardening experience.

But I swear to God, if I ever find those . . . Calm down.

I usually don’t start out a post like this but we were burgled last night by a team of ruthless invaders and they cleaned us out. I just want to get an axe like Jack Nicholson in The Shining . . .

OK, calm down, where to begin.

A few weeks ago my wife and I were looking out the window during breakfast saw a mother groundhog and five fat little babies eating grasses in my next door neighbor’s lawn. They were really cute playing around and chomping down breakfast as were we. We were having one of those Kodak/Taster’s Choice nature moments. After they scurried away, we didn’t think much of them. After all they were on the other side of the street.

Now because of the large amounts of deer we have in Ridgefield, we have a large fence around our property that we keep closed. I have an additional fence around my vegetable garden to keep out rabbits and the like, as they can burrow under our fence. Unfortunately over the past month, I haven’t been as diligent in keeping the door shut to the vegetable garden as I should have and over the last week or so I noticed a few chewed leaves on a small sunflower that was making its way up.

No problem, some squirrel or bug.

Then I noticed the lettuce was nibbled. I figured that the slugs were making their yearly march so I put down some tuna fish cans of beer and sprinkled iron phosphate on the soil. In retrospect, however, I now remember that there were no slug trails around these tasty greens. Hummm.

Then the day before yesterday my squash plants were a bit trampled on with some of the leaves munched upon. I figured that my lax security had created an opportunity for some animal. I needed to keep the gate shut.

And so I did and there were no problems. Until this morning.

When I went out for the paper, I noticed a bunch of sticks and shavings at the bottom of the garden gate. Upon closer investigation, I found that those weren’t sticks, it was the bottom of the gate, or what was left of it. Either last night or early this morning, something came and chewed through my garden gate. Reading up on what type of creatures would do this and could do this, only one fit the bill: The groundhog.

Only a groundhog with its razor sharp claws and fast growing teeth could do this type of damage. A raccoon could easily climb over the fence as could a possum. Bunnies don’t eat through a wooden gate. Moles, rats and voles could easily slip though the spaces in the fence.

Nope it’s got to be a groundhog. And a brood of babies.

Upon gaining entrance to the garden it was a smorgasbord of delight for them. All you can eat. And they did.

“Mommy. Can I have seconds?”

“Sure darling, help your self.”

“I love these peas.”

“This organic broccoli is awesome.”

“Now children, don’t gulp your food. There is plenty more.”

I hate groundhogs. I want them dead. I want. . .OK, take a deep breadth. Continue.

Lettuce, kale, cauliflower, peas, sunflowers, broccoli and radishes. Gone. Half of my squash plants. Gone. My greens were just ready for their summer harvest. Gone. A second crop of broccoli was due in and the kale was ready to make either chips or for stir fry. Forget about that. This was going to be the year! Not now.

So now it is time to replant for a late summer and fall harvest and hope that these relatives of Punxsutawney Phil can be kept out of the garden so they don’t get my tomatoes as my plants are filled with flowers and a few tiny tomatoes. They stayed away from the leaves of potatoes and tomatoes as well as the herbs. They didn’t touch any of the garlic or the carnivorous plants that were out of the greenhouse.  There is some hope.

So I need to repair the gate and put up some more mesh to keep them out. Wish me luck.